3 stars
Honestly, I had the hardest time paying attention to the actual science of this book, because I hit a certain part and realized it was exactly describing someone who seemed to have an obsession with me. Once I made that connection, basically all the objectiveness went out the window. So this may not be the best review I’ve written, simply because it affected me in a way I wasn’t expecting.
The book mainly focuses on what is known as limerence. Limerence is described as a “mental state of profound, involuntary, obsessive romantic infatuation with another person (termed the limerent object, or LO).” Symptoms can include frequent intrusive thoughts about the limerent object, an acute need for reciprocation of equally strong feeling, exaggerated dependency of mood on the LO’s actions, insecurity or shyness when in the presence of the LO, etc. And while some people may say these symptoms are simply part of falling in love, the book does go on to describe how limerence is different, or at least how it can be experienced differently by people. It can be described as an overwhelming feeling of euphoria and elation when in the presence of the special person, but it’s also fragile, in that the person can’t concentrate on every day tasks and is practically exhausted by their presence because they are so infatuated with them. It moves from being simply about liking someone to becoming infatuated and fixated on them. And while it is said that limerence is not a mental illness, it can certainly feel like it.
Here’s where my problem lies – I experienced something like this, and it really wasn’t enjoyable. I became the limerent object to someone, even though I didn’t know this term at the time. There is a chapter in this book titled “Can’t We Just Be Friends?” and I would personally say the answer is no. In the chapter, the author talks about the dilemma of when the person you are obsessing over doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. Can you put those feelings aside and just be friends? The author says the person experiencing limerence must be honest with themselves about their true motives and the choices they make. Are they emotionally capable of just being friends, or do they want to be friends so they can continue to obsess over the person, hoping they’ll change their minds? I would say it would take a very emotionally strong and rational person to be able to continue being friends with someone they were obsessing over after they were turned down. And unfortunately I don’t think most people in this state can do that.
In my experience, the person obsessing over me was married and had children. He started a new job, which happened to be where I worked. At first it seemed like he just wanted to get to know people and be friendly, but he had ulterior motives. He asked for my email address so he could send me his resume to look over, in case a better position opened. I agreed to look it over. However, what he sent wasn’t a resume. He waited until I was out of the country and then emailed me a confession of love. In his eyes, I had the same feelings and had been flirty with him (I hadn’t). I immediately turned him down. He begged me to stay friends cause it was a misunderstanding, and I agreed, which turned out to be the wrong choice. He didn’t have the emotional capacity to put whatever feelings he had aside and just be friends. I have had to talk to him several times about his words, as he would unload all his issues on me, including those in his marriage, which were none of my business. If I could go back, I would tell him no to the friendship. However, I didn’t know at the time that he couldn’t handle himself emotionally. Now I’m stuck because I still have to work with this person and be professional, which he doesn’t get.
I would say it’s a decent read for anyone who’s experiencing obsessive feelings over someone or anyone who feels like someone is obsessing over them. It can give come clarity on those feelings that the limerent is experiencing, and gives the LO a better understanding of what they should do if someone acts this way towards them. As far as actual explanations on how to make love last and what to do if you’re experiencing limerence, it is lacking. And though it’s stated it isn’t a mental illness, if someone is obsessing over another person to the point where they can’t focus on anything else, they should probably seek some professional help.